Allowing the Mirror to Speak Back

 

A few months ago, I happened to see myself on camera.  My immediate reaction was–“Is that what I really look like?!” (I was not pleased).  When this happened, I turned to my students and asked them this question. They looked at me oddly (they weren’t expecting me to ask this question at this particular moment) and slowly replied “….yes…Ms. Hannon.” This phenomenon also happens when I hear my voice in a recording.  My voice has a tinny sound that sounds very different from the booming voice I hear in my head.

In my head, I have this tall, commanding presence where I have to watch the volume of my voice so that it does not overpower others.  In reality, I am a 5’2ish woman whose voice isn’t quite as loud as she thinks it is.

Another example of this has happened as I’ve been searching for wedding dresses.  For those who have had this experience, you know that you rustle (and wrestle) with all this material.  You get clipped and shaped.  You step up on the pedestal which makes you feel so very statuesque.  And you take in what you see.  Sometimes you love it, and other times, not so much.  After it’s all said and done, you look at the pictures taken of you and you ask, “Wait, that’s what I looked like?”  (The fact that I generally have negative reactions to my appearance is for another post on another day.)

These silly examples highlight something that is probably a common experience.  My brother phrased it best when he commented to someone, “That’s how you see yourself, but is that how others experience you?”

His question brings to light the fact that we all have an image of ourselves– ideas about  how we come off, how we conduct ourselves, and how we impact others.  Some of us think so lowly of ourselves, that finding out that others think we are capable and competent is feedback we need to receive.  Others of us may think of ourselves so highly, that we may need feedback that our ego is sometimes harmful to those we love.  Since we are all complex beings, my assumption is that we have a variety of ways of being; we are not completely uniform in how we move in this world.

I am not suggesting that we rely on others to fully define ourselves.  We must walk a fine line between being fully assured of ourselves (without needing the validation of others) and acknowledging possible discrepancies between our self-perception and other’s experience of us.   And those who know us well often see things that are in our blind spots.  

Asking for honest, constructive, and loving feedback falls under the umbrella of self-care.  It can be deeply transformative, and requires courage and a willingness to listen.

Inquiring about this is a wholly, deeply courageous act.  Inquiring means we are asking for honesty.  It requires a high level of vulnerability and should only be done with those with whom an intimate, safe relationship is already established.

As our society continues to promote personal growth, self-care, and accountability, it is critical to remember that loving ourselves includes reflection about and honesty with ourselves.  Author Deana Zandt offers a nice differentiation between between self-care and self-soothing.  She defines self-care as doing involves activities that help us find meaning and that support your growth.  These include eating well, setting and keeping boundaries, going to therapy, being more deliberate about our finances.  Self-soothing, however, involves activities that provide distraction and/or comfort in difficult times.  Asking for honest, constructive, and loving feedback falls under the umbrella of self-care.  It can be deeply transformative, and requires courage and a willingness to listen.

For those of us who are working to check our own biases and become allies of those who are continuously marginalized, asking these questions is a way to take a closer look into our own assumptions and ways we use our privilege.  For those of us who are working to be the healthiest versions of ourselves, asking these questions provides us with feedback about areas in which we can improve.  For those of us seeking to heal or improve relationships with others, feedback allows the hurts of the past to come to the light and get some fresh air.

So sometimes, we need to make sure the image we see in the mirror is congruent with the vision we have of ourselves in our heads.  It’s not always easy, but when done with people we trust, it